I tried to write a little story -- (Author) NorGirlBaby
I tried to write a little story -- (Author) NorGirlBaby
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Author: NorGirlBaby
Timestamp: Sep 12, 2021 at 5:20 PM
Content: I have tried to write a little story. This is not real story. I have wrote the story as thoughts of a caregiver.
Night night… i tuck Melli in to bed. I turn on the teddy bear pillow that plays lullabys. And put the pacifier into her mouth. I walk silently out of the Room and closes the door behind me, while my tears is filling up my eyes.
I looks at the untidying floor. Melli's toys is everywhere. It is saturday evening and the time is only 8.30 pm. While i pick up the toys at the floor, my mind gets me back 6 months, when we got the question we do not hope to get. Do you want to unplug her?. Why did we say no. I never believed her braininjury was so bad. Well, i should have known. Two cardiac-arrest under 24 hours.
Her accident happened on my watch. She was 18 years at that time and totally a fanatic of bicycle tricks. We were out riding our bicycle. She was in front of me. Somehow we was planning to have some fun on the way back home after her soccerpractice, and we were having a bicycle race. I guess i never will know what she was planning, when i came around the corner at the icecream bar in the park and i saw her on the top of the stairs that leads under the freeway. I was shouting no, but it was to late. I saw her disapearing down the stairs, and losing control over her bicycle. The bicycle stopped into the midbars and she flew off and made a dive down the stairs, landed with the forehead first.
She had already passed out when we came close to her. Her eyes was closed and she was bleeding from the nose and the mouth. Her left underarm was in a position it was sure it was broken.
Someone had already called 991, when i got down to her. So we were soon rushed into the ER. She went trough a lot of surgery and was kept into medical induced coma for weeks, that turned into months. The first night and the day she survived two cardiact-arrest. The icu-staff told her friend and relatives she was a fighter, and they were right. After months by her bedside she finally opened her eyes. Not for long, i am not sure she even noticed where she was and her friends were there, but she gained more consoussion while the time went by.
Finally she was able to get out of the icu-unity and was placed at the nevro-ward. One day i was visiting, and check up on her, she was placed into a weelchair. She was not able to walk and needed help to everything. The chair was tilting backwards and Melli's head was resting on a headstand, and the teddybear i gave her at day 2 in the ICU was resting in her lap. He had also gotten a bandage around his head. She was sitting there in a t-shirt and a sweatpants i bought to her. And i noticed a diaper was sticking up from the pants. The hospital staff called it a protective undergarments. But who are they trying to fool? It looks like a babydiaper but only bigger and more boring. "Hi, Melli, i Said when i grabbed myself a chair and sat down in front of her. She looked back at me, this was the first time since the accident i had seen her so concussious. I thought i could test her memory. "What were you thinking when you ride down the stairs" i asked. She looked at me as i had asked something weird. She then putted her right thumb into her mouth and started sucking at it. "Da-da" she said. "No, i not your da-da. I am your older cousin, remember?" I told her. "I babysat you the day you ended up here." "Da-da" she said again and and tried to get eye-contact with me, still sucking her thumb. I could see her eyes tearing up. I got up from the chair i was sitting in and gave her a prober hug, and i did not let go. Melli was now crying so the part of my shirt at the shoulder was wet.
While i was visiting a nurse came in. "She calls me Da-Da," I told the nurse. "Oh, right. I belive she thinks you are her father," the nurse said. "Wait, haven't my uncle and aunt, Melli's parents been here?" I asked. "No, they have only been here twice and they said they can't handle to have their kid like this. Guess she needs to gain back to full normally or get into an foster family. She is way to young to end up at a nurseryhome," the nurse said, "do you ask me, the braininjury is very bad, and Melli will be at the same level as an infant or a young toddler for a while."
Melli is now in my custidy, and i have become a daddy to a 19 year old baby. I take and clean up Melli's night time bottle, and opening up a bottle of wine to my girlfriend and me. I handle her the glass and i get seated beside her in the sofa. "The baby are a sleep" I say, "just let us enjoy the evening."
THE END
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Author: NorGirlBaby
Timestamp: Sep 13, 2021 at 6:01 AM
Content:
kerry said:
This is a sad little story. Thanks for sharing it.
It's clear that English is not your first language; though you have managed to get the plot across well enough to move your readers (or at least me), there are very many grammatical matters that you should clean up if you can. Do you know a fluent or native English speaker you could ask to do some editing? It would have even more power if we didn't keep getting stopped by random issues.
Welcome! I hope you enjoy being here!
[End of quote]
Thanks for the responses. I always had issues with the english grammar. Norwegian is my first language. I know it is a lot of wrongs in there
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Author: NorGirlBaby
Timestamp: Sep 13, 2021 at 8:26 PM
Content:
kerry said:
This is a sad little story. Thanks for sharing it.
It's clear that English is not your first language; though you have managed to get the plot across well enough to move your readers (or at least me), there are very many grammatical matters that you should clean up if you can. Do you know a fluent or native English speaker you could ask to do some editing? It would have even more power if we didn't keep getting stopped by random issues.
Welcome! I hope you enjoy being here!
[End of quote]
I am still learing and this is a way to be better in English
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Author: NorGirlBaby
Timestamp: Sep 25, 2021 at 9:07 PM
Content: Is this better @kerry
Night night… I tuck Melli into bed. I turn on the teddy bear pillow that plays lullabies. And put the pacifier into her mouth. I walk silently out of the room and close the door behind me, while my tears fill up my eyes.
I looks at the chaotic floor. Melli's toys are everywhere. It is Saturday evening and the time is only 8.30 pm. While I pick up the toys on the floor, my mind gets me back 6 months, when we got the question we did not hope to get. Do you want to unplug her?. Why did we say no? I never believed her brain injury was so bad. Well, I should have known. Two cardiac-arrest under 24 hours.
Her accident happened on my watch. She was 18 years at that time and totally a fanatic of bicycle tricks. We were out riding our bicycles. She was in front of me. We were having a bicycle race, just to make the ride home from soccer-practise more fun. When I came around the corner at the ice cream bar in the park, I saw her on the top of the stairs that leads to the doom under the freeway. I was shouting no, but it was too late. I saw her riding down the stairs, and she lost control over her bicycle. The bicycle stopped into the rail, and she flew off and made a dive down the stairs, landed with the forehead first.
She had already passed out when we came close to her. Her eyes were closed and she was bleeding from the nose and the mouth. Her left underarm was in a position I was sure was broken. Somebody had already called after an ambulance, so we were soon rushed into the ER.
She went through a lot of surgery and was kept in a medically induced coma for weeks, which turned into months. The first day and night she survived two cardiac-arrests. The icu-staff told friends and relatives she was a fighter, and they were right. After months by her bedside she finally opened her eyes. Not for long, I am not sure she even noticed where she was and her friends were there, but she gained more concussion as the time went by.
Finally she was able to get out of the icu-unity and was placed at the nevro-ward. One day I was visiting, and checking up on her, she was placed into a wheelchair. She was not able to walk and needed help with everything. The chair was tilting backwards and Melli's head was resting on a headstand, and the teddy bear I gave her on day 2 in the ICU was resting in her lap. He had also gotten a bandage around his head. She was sitting there in a t-shirt and a sweatpants i bought to her. And i noticed a diaper was sticking up from the pants. The hospital staff called it a protective undergarments. But who are they trying to fool? It looks like a baby diaper but only bigger and more boring. "Hi, Melli, i Said when i grabbed myself a chair and sat down in front of her. She looked back at me, this was the first time since the accident i had seen her so concussious. I thought i could test her memory. "What were you thinking when you ride down the stairs" i asked. She looked at me as i had asked something weird. She then putted her right thumb into her mouth and started sucking at it. "Da-da" she said. "No, i not your da-da. I am your older cousin, remember?" I told her. "I babysat you the day you ended up here." "Da-da" she said again and tried to get eye-contact with me, still sucking her thumb. I could see her eyes tearing up. I got up from the chair I was sitting in and gave her a proper hug, and I did not let go. Melli was now crying so the part of my shirt got wet.
While I was visiting a nurse came in. "She calls me Da-Da," I told the nurse. "Oh, right. I believe she thinks you are her father," the nurse said. "Wait, haven't my uncle and aunt, Melli's parents been here?" I asked. "No, they have only been here twice and they said they can't handle having their kid like this. Guess she needs to recover back to normal life or get into a foster family. She is way too young to end up at a nursery home," the nurse said, "do you ask me, the brain injury is very bad, and Melli will be at the same level as an infant or a young toddler for a while."
Melli is now in my custody, and I have become a daddy to a 19 year old baby. I take and clean up Melli's night time bottle, and open up a bottle of wine for my girlfriend and me. I hand her the glass and I get seated beside her on the sofa. "The baby are a sleep" I say, "just let us enjoy the evening."
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Author: NorGirlBaby
Timestamp: Sep 26, 2021 at 9:56 AM
Content:
kerry said:
It is! I'm going to take a few moments to highlight bits that are still problems to help you to see them. These are not meant to be all of the issues, but they are the easiest to fix and/or explain.
Should be "I look"
You don't ever need consecutive end punctuation marks
Should be "18 years old"
The verb lead here should be leads
What do you mean by "doom"?
The pronoun "I" is always capitalized; there are many examples here
"He" should be "she"
Should be either "I bought for her" or "I brought to her," depending on your meaning
Conscious
baby is asleep
The errors here are more or less what I would expect a non-native speaker to make. As I said above, they are all easy to fix. I'm glad you are working on it.
[End of quote]
Thanks for helping me.
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Author: NorGirlBaby
Timestamp: Sep 26, 2021 at 7:00 PM
Content: He is the teddybear.